It is believed that those who hurt us need to forgive at all costs. Sayings like “they take water offended” make their experiences be ashamed. We already feel stolen, and at the same time, they seem to be expected from us that we will act against our feelings.
Who and why demands that we forgive offenders? Firstly, this is necessary for those who surround us, because “an offended person in itself is not very pleasant to others. He is immersed in his experiences, does not talk to the one who hurt him. It is difficult to work with him or live with him, ”notes the psychologist Sofya Shokotko.
Secondly, in the message the voice of those who experienced an insult to us sounds, remembers how she poisoned their life, and now tries to protect us from suffering. “However, feelings are given for a reason, they orient us in the world around us,” the psychologist recalls. – Ignoring our experiences, we leave ourselves without care. “.
Resentment – a signal that we are doing wrong
. But most often it takes time to figure out what happened, what damage caused. “It is worth paying attention to your feelings: what are they? – offers a psychologist. – Perhaps we are lonely, scared to be next to the one who caused pain. Having given the name of experiences, we can decide how to proceed and what we want from the offender as compensation ”.
Do we need public apologies or damages? Or we no longer want to see the one who acted unfairly?
We will quickly free ourselves from the load of resentment if we can identify our position. It is not easy to turn to the offender directly to the offender. If we recognize our feelings if relatives support, we have resources for such a step. “Even if the forced to suffer from us does not do what we demand from him, it will become easier for us,” Sofya Shokotko is sure.
A link to the need to forgive is sometimes used as an argument when another asks for forgiveness, but we are not able to say: “I am no longer offended by you”. If the other pursues us with an apology, then he is scared, the psychologist explains. He is afraid that he did something irreparable, that the relationship is destroyed, and is trying to rectify the situation.
When we are persistently asked that we cannot or are not ready to give, it’s hard. On the other hand, the one who repents is usually easier to forgive. “If someone else’s perseverance is annoying, we can ask the guilty to give us time, thanking him for asking for forgiveness,” the psychologist says.
